Dear Woman Who Pretends to Like Me....

I know that you don't. I know that you are nice to me because I finally, after 40 years, gave you a girl. Woo Hoo!!! Yay for both of us!!!
But know what!? I promise you that I am not trying to kill her. And plus, I am not a freaking idiot. I really am not. Look at Scotty!! Just look at him!! He made it all the way to six years old and he is still alive!! He hasn't had any broken bones or anything!!

And even little David. Sure, I electrocuted myself when I was pregnant, and I take full blame for his crazy hair. But he is alive too and a whole whopping three years old!!!

Now, would you like me to wrap her in that mother fucking blanket until you can only see the whites of her eyes?? I mean!! What the FUCK!!!! It is 34 degrees outside and you thought I was going to what, bring her over in a tank top and daisy dukes?? Get a clue! I am not stupid! I promise you that I am not!!

Did you know that I am a college graduate and everything?? Oh wait, you were there! So what the fuck am I doing so wrong that you think I am going to just bring my baby out naked so that she will freeze to death??

Oh and yes, we are giving her prune juice. No I haven't lost her shoes. Yes she has socks. Rash ointment? Yes I have it, but she doesn't have a MUFU rash. Please stop feeding her pickles. No you shouldn't give her cheese when she is constipated. No the dog is not going to hurt her, but if she doesn't stop putting her fingers up his nose I think he should....