Once again...

I have vowed to not eat sugar. I know the sugar is what makes me a fatty. I am so addicted that it is not even funny!!

I could sit here and eat (not that I have) an entire box of Chips Ahoy! I make cookies just so that I can eat the dough. I literally crave like a crazy person chocolate. And it has to stop!!!

So yesterday I started. And I did good, although by about 6 I was in pain because I needed it so much. So I went to Target and bought a little bag of sugar free Dove chocolates. I ate the whole effin bag. I did not care that excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect. Good! Maybe it will help me get sexy faster!!

And before bed I made a box of Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding and I ate about half of it.

I really really want to do this. I want to be more comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to shop at "normal" sized clothing stores. I want to be able to be on top comfortably....I know too much information...

Anyways, so today and yesterday Geeka and I went over to the YMCA. We are so not motivated yet. We both whine and complain. But at least we are there.

December!!

I am so excited that it is almost here!

I love Christmas. I love the cold, rainy, and wet weather. I love the smell of fireplaces burning. I love baking cookies with my babies.

December feels like time for family. Yes, it is full of running around and stressing about the perfect gift. But it is so much more than shopping. It is about the spirit of giving and the excitement of receiving. I will be the first to admit that I love presents, but I do not need them. I love to see the faces and hear the thanks of the person that I am giving a gift to.

This is the best time of year. And I am finally feeling like Christmas. So when I go grocery shopping this week you can bet that I will be buying lots of chocolate chips, brown sugar and vanilla for chocolate chip cookies. There is nothing like a warm cozy house that smells like chocolate chip cookies baking.

Want some?

Dear Tophey

Guess what??

I totally got a tatoo last night. And it was amazing! The smell of the ink. The buzzing of the machine. The sharp needle moving quickly in and out of my skin. The needle spiking me with pain and pleasure all at the same time. The strange relaxing feeling of laying in the chair out of control and not really knowing how it is turning out. Feeling the small drops of blood roll down my back.

And the endorphins!!! They fucking rock!! Getting out of the chair on a complete natural high. In pain that feels so good that you want to run and jump and scream.

And now being able to cover it in tattoo goo. It smells so good that goo.

You are so jealous huh!!!!

I love you, you smelly whore!!!

dawndee

Perfection

I have such a poor self image. I don't really know why, but I do. It is horrible. But having this tattoo done today boosted my confidence just a little bit. I love it. I absolutely love it!



The picture quality is bad because of my cell phone and the dark and all. I will try to get a better picture with my camera tomorrow!!

Tattoo Tonight!!!!!

I am so effin excited!!! Dano is giving me my fourth tattoo tonight!!! It is going on my upper back and I love it already!!!




I is a show of love for my Anthony Kiedis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I know you might think it is weird...but they are home for me.

Beanie!!!! Look his sock!

I am so in love...

Sir Psycho Sexy

Warning!! Explicit Lyrics...Tam a lam a...you won't like it!!!!
This is almost my favorite. And for sure what got me through a lot of dark hours when I was in high school. It felt good to have a secret and this was mine and believe it or not it made me feel better about life...

My Thanksgiving

Well, it wasn't that bad. But like I said before I went to Maria's with a sick stomach. I was so sick from my nerves. I was so afraid that there was going to be drama. I was also upset to think that my Mom was not going to be there and that her and Donald were eating an all you can eat turkey buffet at a freaking truck stop. Oh well...Seriously, Maria should have invited them.


Anywhoo, Tony the kids and I got there about an hour before Jerry and Kristie. I brought a homemade apple pie, a pumpkin pie, beer bread with the cheesey garlic dip and some beer bread biscuits. My stuff was wonderful!! I like to get there a little early to offer help and get the kids settled.

Jerry and Kristie walked in and there was tension. Huge can't breathe, give me an inhaler, get me the fuck outta here tension. I went and sat on the floor between Tony's legs and he rubbed my hair. He is so warm and perfect. I of course said hi, but it was weird there was no hug hello or the old comfortable feeling. And I wanted to cry and just go home because I hated it. But I didn't. I stayed for my children who were happy as hell to see Uncle Chippy and Auntie Krissy...And I stayed for Maria because she loves it. And I stayed for Tony because that is his Mom and his brothers.

We served up our plates. I am always last to serve myself because I had to serve the boys. Tony ususally helps me but Maria is hispanic and it is her feeling that the Mom should feed the children and Tony knows that I don't want her to put me down so I would rather serve all three children before myself while he serves himself. Otherwise at home we would have been doing the serving together. So, it ended up being just me and Kristie in the kitchen serving our plates alone. She went to walk past me and grabbed me around the neck and started crying.

She was sobbing and telling me that she was sorry. Kissing my face (we are Italians...we kiss) and rubbing my hair. She said that she wanted her sister back. I told her that it was okay and that I love her. I do love her. We are family. Like it or not we are family and I cherish family. So I accepted her appology and I kissed her back on her cheek.

We had dinner and I hated the food. Except the potatos and the asparagus. Everything else was blah to me. My apple pie fucking rocked ass though! And so did my beer bread biscuits!

When we were getting ready to leave I told Kristie that it hurt my feelings a lot that she had told people that I was lying. And she knows. I told her that it took a lot for me to do what I did. And she actually thanked me for doing what I did because she knows that she was in another downward spiral.

So all is right in the De Anda world again people...woo hoo!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today....GULP

I am so nervous. I am so freaking nervous that my stomach aches and my eyes keep tearing up.

You know, I talk a lot of shit. But I am scared! I am so scared of my sister in law and what will happen today.

I stuck up for myself after my birthday. I told her what I felt and what was the truth and I haven't talked to her since. And now today she is going to be there. And I am so scared that there will be an argument. SO SCARED!!!

I am not scared because of her. I am scared because I do not want my children to see us argue. I do not want to ruin their holiday that they are so excited about. I do not want them to see someone being mean to their Momma. And I certainley don't want them to hear any words of hate come out of my mouth.

So right now I am thankful for many things. But my heart is happy because I have been invitedto four different thanksgiving dinners. And I know that if something goes wrong that I have a place to go. Many places to go where my children and I are welcome and loved.

Lookit!!

I made Beanie!!!

Check out this cartoon i made!

Lo Beanie
Click here to make yours!
cartman is a fat bastard undefined

My Tito

He is my true best friend. I can say that without even thinking about it. We have been friends since I was in the third and he was in the second grade. We grew up together. He is more than a friend, he is a brother.

We met eachother at the apartment complex. I had just moved in and was very sad and felt alone. We had gone from a big beautiful house with a Mom. To a small two bedroom apartment on a busy street with no Mom. All of a sudden she was gone and we had a babysitter.

It was Saturday afternoon and I was depressed. Sad, huh? Depressed in the third grade. I can remember feeling alone and helpless laying on the cold, green tile entryway. Hoping that someone would knock on the door and save me from the misery. And someone did!

His name was Brian and he asked if I wanted to ride bikes. And I did! And down at the bottom of the stairs was a cute mexican boy. My Tito. And he looked confused. At that time I thought that him and Brian were friends, but it turns out that they were not. Brian had knocked on his door and asked him to ride bikes and then they rode over to get me. So, Brian gave me my friend.

We rode around the complex laughing and giggling. Doing what you did when you were eight. Feeling cool on my purple bike with the big old banana seat. When we finally stopped riding we parked in "the grass." It was a small grass area with a little hill right next to the swimming pool behind my apartment. It was innocent perfection.

After that day Tito and I were inseperable. We would play Barbies together. We made up dance routines and talked of being on Star Search. We had dolls named Vicky, Monica and David. We played with them to no end. I had to keep them all at my house because Tito's Mom did not approve of him playing with dolls. We would collect cans and take them to the recycling center to go to the grocery store to buy Squeeze It's and candy bars. We would sneak them into my room and have a picnic. Innocent Perfection.

When we started junior high and high school we kind of parted ways. Much to my dismay. He started to go by Jesse. He started smoking. We both changed. I hung out with the stoners and skaters. He hung out with cheerleaders and drama club kids. We were different. I didn't care about that, but he did. And we kind of just lost all communication with eachother.

For me it was sad. I think it was worse for me because I didn't really have a big family and I cherished him as my family. I do that with everyone who is close to me. I don't want to lose anyone. I want friends and family. I want everyone to want to be here comfortable and warm.

So over the years I find him. It is always me finding him. And I don't care. I don't care if I look desperate for him. I am. I love him. And everytime I find him again it is like nothing has changed. We laugh and giggle. We can talk about anything together. And now I found him on MySpace. And I love that.

I love it because we talk everyday now. I love it because he is my family. I love that he told me that he is sick and alone and that I was able to send him a package of things to make him smile. Along with a blanket that my Mom made me. I sent it to him. As it is the only way that I can give him a hug right now. And I love that he sent me a message to thank me for the blanket and he signed Tito.

Jesse, if you read this know that you are my family. You are my brother. My children call you Uncle Jesse and I know that one day you will finally meet all three of them. And they will be obnoxious and you will be miserable but you will love it as much as I do. I know that because we promised it to eachother. And you knew how much I wanted to be a Mommy and you will be happy for me. I am always here for you, no matter what. We will always find eachother and look back and smile at our little bubble.

Thanksgiving...

Joyous for most. I, on the other hand, hate it! Most people don't understand this. Let me explain...

I grew up with my Dad and my Sister. Cozy and crazy. My Mom was around but my parents were seperated and eventually divorced. Thanksgiving was most holidays were stressful. Where would we be, who would have us. Technically Thanksgiving was my Mom's "day." As she had us on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend.

Life with my Dad and my sister was always fun. Sometimes sad and well, kind of hard. But it was always always busy. We had to go to a babysitter before and after school and we usually weren't picked up until after 6. And my Dad didn't have a choice. He was single, he had to work and he did not want us to be alone. So off to the babysitter we went. Then when he would pick us up we would pick up some sort of fast food for dinner and then homework, bath and bed.

We never ate dinner together unless we were in a resteraunt. It was rushed. Eating at the counter or in front of the TV. Which is why meal time is so important for me now. Then Thanksgiving would roll around. And we would feel obligated to eat at the table a huge meal of foods that we never ate. This my friends is why I hate Turkey...I never ate it, but I had to eat it on Thanksgiving.

My Dad is totally my hero. He raised two girls on his own. I can not even imagine what life must have been life for him. God Bless him for trying his best to make Thanksgiving what it is supposed to be. And he did. He would get a turkey breast and would microwave it. He would make the potatos, rolls, corn...all of the things that you are supposed to have. And my little sister loved it. She loved to cook, she loved to set the table and drink the sparlking cider. And in my heart I know that she is the reason that he continued to do it every year.

Me on the other hand, I would get up in the morning knowing that it was going to be rushed. I knew that my Dad was trying to help get all of the food cooked to make us happy in order to have Thanksgiving dinner together. He knew that if we didn't get finished on time that my Mom was going to be there, ready or not, to take us to Thanksgiving dinner with her friends.

Dinner with her friends was miserable! MISERABLE! They did not have any children. My sister and I would be forced to stay in the front room watching TV that didn't have any reception other that the fuzzy football games. They set up a table for us and we sat in their and ate Thanksgiving alone together. Feeling unimportant. And of course now I get it. I am a Mom now and I know how fun that adult time is. But I wish that we could have just stayed home with Dad. I know he wouldn't have minded.

Now that I am a Mom and even when Tony and I just moved in together I make it a point. We have dinner together, at the table, with the TV and radio off. Dinner is a time to reflect on the day, giggle, enjoy eachother and our meal. My children thank me for making dinner every night. They even thank their Dad if he just goes out and gets Taco Bell. I don't want my children to feel like we need a holiday to enjoy eachother or a meal. I want to be thankful and enjoy eachother everynight.

So, this year we are going to Maria's. I am not looking forward to it. Only because I feel like it is forced. And part of me knows that she just likes having us all over. I know that she loves having her boys and her grandchildren and maybe even her deaughter in laws together. But I wish that we could do it once a month or something. Not just because of the holiday. Maybe I am selfish. Another thing...I don't like to be waited on. I hate showing up and the food is all ready and I didn't get to feel like a part of it.

My resolution?? I have been thinking long and hard. And next year I am not going to have to decide who I am spending the holiday with. I am going to have it here. Yes, here! I am going to learn how to make a turkey (even if I hate it). My children are going to help mash the potatos. And I am invinting everyone who wants to be here. My Mom and his Mom. My sister and his brothers. Friends....everyone! So instead of being a day of being forced to eat a meal that I hate. It will be a day of craziness, laughter and a big old mess. My children in their jammies until they want to get dressed. My husband drinking a beer with his brothers in the garage. Cookies on the table all day. And a Pizza! Yes a Pizza...because that is what I like. I like Pizza. So mark your calendars people...next year Thanksgiving is here. Pizza, cookies and turkey.

Geeka and Beanie

I am sorry that I am not answering the phone. I am still feeling sick. I haven't eaten anything except toast that Tony forced me to eat so that I could take pain meds. My head is hurting so bad that I can't think right. I called and got an appointment for 12. So Donald is coming to pick me up at 11:30 to take me. Maria has Ariana but David wouldn't go, so I have him. I think he will probably go home with Donald if they give me a shot.

thanks for worrying about me.
love ya
dawndee

Pictures!

I posted new pictures on my web site. There are ones from our Halloween party as well as our visit to Santa on Friday night. Laurie and Sheryl are in em! So check them out if you want.

http://web.mac.com/dawnandtony/iWeb/dawnandtony/Welcome.html

love dawn

Very Curious

Someone on MySpace wants to be my friend. And I don't know who he or she is. But she says I have met her and we have had dinner together. I only add people that I know. So I don't wanna just add her. But now it is making me crazy!!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=3108645

Thinking....

So today was hard. It was harder than I thought. Not that I thought it would be easy.
I knew that being there for Laurie and her family would be hard. I knew that seeing the sweet innocent faces of Shane and Emma crying would be hard. I knew that worrying about Bobby being without his Pops would be hard. Hearing the sobs of Beanie and Cyn...I was prepared for that.

I was prepared to hold my friends hand. I was prepared to hug anyone who needed it. I was ready, yet nervous. Funerals are never fun.

Sheryl and I pulled up to the funeral home, took deep breaths and walked up. I hugged Beanie's Mom. Then my beautiful friend came out of the funeral home. She had been crying but she was still beautiful. Huge hug. I rubbed her head, she is so short. She walked us inside and walked us right up to Bobby. I did not recognize him. So I actually walked right past him to look at the amazing collage that Beanie made.

The collage was perfection. Her Dad was so beautiful. You could see the love in his eyes. You could feel the warmth of his hugs. You could almost hear his laughter from his smiles in the photographs. You could feel the love for his children, grandchildren and family. The look in his eyes was pure joy. Perfection...

Laurie took me from staring at the collage, she turned me around once more to Bobby. I looked up at him and gasped. I grabbed his face and stared for a moment. I could not believe that it was him. It is funny that I have barely met this family and I feel like a little part of it. So to see Bobby looking so grownup, like a man, instead of Beanie's baby brother was incredible. He will make his Pops proud.

Then we saw Tophey. This man, he is a presence. He is one of those people who can put you totally at ease. You don't feel the need to put on a show for him. You don't feel like you have to pretend up a conversation. You can just be yourself and he accepts that. Lauries feet hurt from her shoes and he didn't even hesitate. Out to the van he went to get her comfy shoes. And then a threat to the dog for chewing on her heels.

Sheryl and I found a seat but ultimately changed spots to make room for close family. We moved to the side room. I went over to ask Laurie if she wanted me to read her letter to her Dad. The writing on the envelope made me cry and that made her cry. So of course I had to make her giggle which I did. And she couldn't stop. And that felt good for me.

The service was nice. Sheryl sobbed next to me and I tried the entire time to hold them back. I do not like to cry in public. Mostly because I don't want too much attention on myself. Although, hearing Lauries sobs and seeing Cyn hunched over with her eyes in a tissue was hard. Hearing Shane singing the hymns was beautiful. Seeing Lauries head in her Mom's lap was heart wrenching. I held it in. I didn't loose it until the end of the service. A soldier walked up to the casket and saluted it. Done. I was done. I cried. And then all of the children who were there placed something special on the casket for their Pappa. That was beautiful. Just the fact that they had thought enough to give him something...

The reception was nice. We ate. We helped Laurie giggle. We held her when she cried. They had a dove releasing ceremony. The bird scared the heck out of me...but the meaning was beautiful.

I am happy that we were there for her. Although, the entire thing has really made me think. My Dad is not much younger than her Dad. That is so scarey for me to even think about. Her Dad was still so young and it almost doesn't seem fair. He should have had so much more time here with his family. Maybe there is something better waiting for us though. Am I selfish in thinking that I want my Dad here. I am not nor will I ever be ready to let him go? And then there is my Step Dad. He has been in my life since I was three. He is dying. He has 2-6 years left. And until today has not really been real to me.

I guess it is true. We need to cherish our friends and family. Everyday is a gift.

My Favorite Conversation Today...

This happened today with my David...

David: "Mom, I taste good."

Me : "You do?"

David: " Yeah, Eat Me!"


This child is insane!

Dear Everyone,

Hello, how are you.

I am fabulous. Fabfrickinulous.

I went to the YMCA this morning and sweat like a beast. Sheryl was not there. She sucks ass. I got yelled at by the staff because Ariana scratched someone. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. She is 18 months and she likes beat some ass. Sorry, but seriously what am I supposed to do??

Then we went to the Dollar Tree to buy stuff to make more baskets. And of course Ariana screamed through the whole store. Until I got to the candy aisle where I grabbed a lollypop. I swear to you that I don't usually do that. But I myself was on the verge of tears.

We arrived at home in time to put the babies to nap. Call Maria to ask her to come over so that I can pick Scotty up early from school to take him to his ENT appointment. She does because she is wonderful once in a while. And I drive in the rain to the Drs appt. To get there to find out that the automated system that called me on Friday was mistaken and the appointment in tomorrow because his Dr is never in on Mondays. Fabulous.

I come home to Maria yelling at me because Ariana is constipated...And that I should give her another suppository. Sorry, I already gave her one today and that is my limit. She does this at least once a week. It is the milk.

Now she is going to bed. But David is having a fit because I will not give him more food. He just ate. A LOT! And he is crying that he wants to watch Little People again. But when I put it on he doesn't want it. And then when I turn it off he wants it and when I turn it back on he doesn't want it. And his butt hurts, and he is coughing, and he wants Little People again.

Is it 4:30 yet?? Where is Tune Up Tony when I need him.

Am I the only Mom who has days where she would like to crawl back into bed and just start it over??

8:00 in the morning

And already we are going. Granted that four out of five of us are in our jammies.

Super Dad already headed out for work. I hate it that he has to work on Saturdays, but that is what we have to do.

Ariana is full of the devil this morning. Stealing her brothers crayons and finally his cereal. She is standing next to me right now with his bowl of Count Chocula, minus the milk. Which means she stole Scotty's cereal as he will not eat his with milk. They smell so yummy, sweet and innocent.

David is drawing me picture after picture of super heros. They are all made with a ball point pen and they are all scribbles. But he describes each one with perfect detail. They each have a story and he can show you where everything is inteded to be. So even though it is just a scribble even I can see Batman and his cape.

Scotty is hard at work making a picture of Spiderman. We watched the Spiderman 3 movie trailer on MTV.com this morning. And he is so very excited. He loves Spiderman. He watches the movies over and over again. I have told him since he was born that he is my little superhero because when he was born he came fist first like Superman flies. I take full credit for his love of superheros. And I love it. I love hearing him talk about good versus evil, the darkside and how Spiderman is a good guy.

Luke is cuddled up next to me on the couch. The sky is gray and drizzly, perfect weather for staying inside cuddling and being lazy.

Okay, I am off to make cinnamon rolls and see David's clubhouse....Perfection

My Sheryl Geeka

I love her. I do.

She is fabulous.

She makes me smile.

She makes me giggle.

How crazy is it that in the past few months I have found my soul sisters? Is that strange? I think it is. I have gone my whole life thinking that I had real true friendships. Not that I didn't. I am sure that my friends love me. But I have found Sheryl and Beanie. They are true friends.

I talk to Sheryl on the phone at least 4 times a day. And I HATE talking on the phone. But every time I see her number come up I smile. I smile because I know that I am going to giggle. I smile because I am going to hear her happy squeaky voice. And I know that even if she is calling me because something is wrong that I am going to be able to make her giggle too.

She thinks that I am weird. And I am. But I mostly love that she thinks that I am funny. It is nice to be funny. She gets me. And she will tell me if I am being ridiculous. She is fabulous for advice giving.

She forgets everything like me. She is unorganized like me. She loves the chaos like me. She loves her dog like me. She gets me and I get her. And I love my Sheryl Geeka!

Fun to be a Momma

I know that I take it for granted. The little things that I get to do everyday. I know that most working moms pray every morning that they didn't have to leave their babies in daycare. And I always knew that when I had children that I would be a Mommy.

When I got pregnant with Scotty I was not working. I was going to school full time. And I ended up having to stop that because I was on bedrest for six months.

Out he came and some people expected that I would go back to school or at the least get a part or even full time job to help Tony with the bills and what not. But we had already talked about it. Sacrafice.

We stopped eating out. We stopped ordering appetizers. No more Martenelli Apple Juice time to buy the store brand. No more movie dates once a week, how about a cruise by Blockbuster.

And it is so worth it. I love being home with them. I love cuddling on the couch in our jammies after Tony leaves for work. I love sitting down for snack time with them. I love reading stories before nap. I love the giggles and laughter. I even love kissing the owies because I am the one who is supposed to kiss them, not a teacher...the Mommy.

I used to teach preschool, don't get me wrong. I am totally down with working women and all of that jazz. So don't hate. But for me and my family we sacraficed so that I could be here. And I would not change that for the world.

So today was perfection. Sheryl called me to tell me that she was going to watch the kiddos so I could go to Costco alone! WOW!!?? Really!? No one has ever ever done that? EVER! I mean just called up to volunteer to watch all three children...and the dog!? She is a saint!

So while I was getting ready this happened

It was so funny. She is such a stinker. 6 eggs gone. But her curiosity satisfied.
While I was cleaning that up she poured half a bottle of liquid soap into the toilet bowl. Thank GOD it didn't foam up!

I did my shopping and was even able to get some Christmas shopping done while at COSTCO and I picked up In n Out for Tony and some work buddies and Sheryl and I of course.

And then Sheryl and I sat here and talked until 3:30 or so. We can talk about absolutely nothing and that is why I love her so much! And we always giggle together. Plus our babies get to play! See...


And now I am sitting on the couch thinking about finishing up dinner while my Ariana is walking around like this


Isn't it fun!? To have my babies home and safe. To be able to let David walk around with socks on his hands and a Batman mask on. To let Scotty watch cartoons to his content. Perfection...

Dawndees Day

So...I feel like writing. You must know what I am talking about. As we are all blogging right?

I only met Beanie's Dad one time. And my impression of him was that he was very cute. You could tell by looking at him that he adored his children. That he was the kind of Dad who was a tickler and a joker. I wanted to squeeze his cheeks and rub his elbows (another quirk). I can not tell you though how much I have been thinking about my Beanie since this happened. You can probably tell from the blogs. So she was on my mind throughout every activity all day. Her family too...

It was a lazy day here. Laundry day is Thursday here. I hate laundry! There are five of us. And out of the five there are three who change at least twice a day. Ariana is a freaking mess...she literally attracts dirt. I changed her three times today. David always always always spills his drink on himself at a meal. It never fails, we make it through breakfast, two snacks and lunch with no spills...oh! we made it through dinner! woo hoo no spills today!!!!! Oh you dumb ass...you had to give him that cookie with a full glass of milk didn't you! doh! And Tony is a mechanic so he comes home from work and changes into his clean clothes...

SO laundry day is kind of a lazy day here. I let the kids kick around in their jammies and run around causing havoc on the house because I have so many baskets to fold. And I think that they love it.

Ariana and I made cookies. They are wonderfully yummy. And the best part is that she loved making them. She helped me pour the ingredients and she kept saying "One Two Cookies!" I love her. I ate a lot of dough...so did she. I am such a fat ass...David wouldn't even lick the spoons. How can boys not eat the dough? What is wrong with them??

I jazzercised with Sheryl tonight. It was fun. Until the lady came in halfway through. She was gremlin looking and she took off her shoes!!!!!!!!!!! And she was not wearing socks. And she had fugly feet. I am not joking. Bitch needed a pedicure. And a fucking bra. I am sorry, I know I am terrible. But come on now...when you are dancing and jumping excercising put a bra on!!!!! You are old! They sag! I don't want to know how your nipples look through your shirt! And while you are at it....move those crusty ass toes away from me....please!

Anywhoo, I am home now. And I am bird sitting. I hate birds. I have a little fear of them. I should add that to my quirk list. But one of them, Birdzilla, is obnoixous. I know it must mean that he is happy. But he chirps high pitched chirps all day long. They are supposed to be able to talk if you train them. So since they are so annoying I have decided that I am going to play "Sexy Back" over and over constantly until my Mom and Donald get home. I am praying that they he will start to sing it over and over again. To drive my Mother insane....because quite frankly I am losing my effin mind with this bird...

Dear Beanie

I am so sorry for your loss. And I truly hate saying that.
I hate saying it because I know that it doesn't make it any easier. Saying I am sorry doesn't really help you. Sure, it lets you know that I am here for you and I am thinking about you. But you already knew that.

I hate saying it becuase it doesn't take away the pain that is in your heart right now. I hate saying it because I have nothing better to say.

I wish that he was still here. I wish that you could have known and had been able to say goodbye. I wish that you had just one more day with him.

I am very close with my Dad. And that is why I think I am so upset by this. To know that my best friend just lost her Dad is very painful. I know that you were not and could never have been ready for this loss.

Just know that I am here for you. You are in my thoughts always as is your entire family. I can truly feel your pain and your loss and it hurts me deep to my core.

You, Sheryl and I are soul sisters and we will always be together to support, hug, giggle and cry.

Looking For Love

So Sheryl and I were looking on Craigs List for a man who loves Big Beautiful Women (BBW) for our friend Kristin. I came across this add and it makes me laugh my ass off!!!!!


I've run a few (quite a few now) ads and aside from one very nice friend I have made, the results have been disappointing. I tried making up a list of what I thought I would like: she should be brilliant, graceful, funny, willing to put up with me... but the folks who responded either didn't fit or had a few extra items I hadn't thought of...and didn't care for. Perhaps I should try the negative approach? List what I *don't* want and see who, if anyone, is left. In truth I know far more about what hasn't worked than about what might. As lengthy as this list seems, the list of positive possibilities is far longer.



Are you thirty something with a sudden endocrinic appreciation of what a 17 year old male feels like? Want plenty of hot steamy sex? RIGHT NOW? Pass. If we can build enough emotional commitment and intimacy in 6 months to support a loving sexual relationship then that's moving pretty quickly. As the title implies, my experience of women my age has been that they place a tremendous emphasis on getting laid. I'm familiar with the feeling...but that was 30 years ago and while having sex once or twice a day is still fine it hardly comes first anymore. Learn to please yourself already. Geeze, we all did.

Dynamic and successful type A businesswoman with dozens of commitments and no time? Glad you Made It. Beats dealing with those messy and confusing relationship issues. Maybe write a business plan...leave me out of it.

Gotta have a "financially secure" man who "knows how to treat a lady"? Hit the back button. I don't have any money and don't want anything to do with yours. I live semi-simply and poverty doesn't terrify me. A lot of people starved to death in the time you have taken to read this. A whole lot.

Just got divorced? Broke up with a Long Term? You have my sympathies. Work it out on some one else.

Worked it out in less than 2 years? Work the rest of it out on someone else. Please.

Don't get along with your father? Work it out on some one else.

Feeling angry, bitter, frightened, jaded, bored, etc.? SOMEBODY tell me why I'm supposed to find this stuff attractive!

BBW? Few extra lbs? Rubenesque? Curvy? How about attempts-to-resolve-emotional-issues-with-fork? Don't exercise? Been there myself. Figured out why it's a bad idea and what it represents in the larger sphere of ones life and I act/struggle accordingly. A good companion should be of the same understanding..i.e, reasonably trim, fit and very active. (If you're tall, flat chested, have red hair and can outrun me that's a bonus :-)

No picture no response? No problem, plenty more ads for you to read. I don't distribute pictures of myself and I don't have a problem with spending a half hour over a cup of tea finding out a bit about you...including what you look like. If you need to, simply imagine that I am hidously ugly. For myself, if I want cufflinks I have some in a drawer someplace. I'm a great believer in "chemistry". I flee it.

Sports Fan? I hope your team wins. I'm a player, not a spectator.

Like to curl up and cuddle in front of the TV? Sounds nice except for the TV. I have never owned (and will never own) a TV. If the biggest hassle when you move is all the books we should talk. If keeping track of the TV schedule is any part of your life we should not.

Don't like guns? Exit stage left. I'm a competitive target shooter and I don't want to listen to your prejudices. I have my own, thanks.

Don't like motorcycles? Don't ride one. I ride. (and I ride a machine set up solo. As in a good relationship, a fellow traveler is more fun than a passenger.)

Got "Harley Forever" tattooed on your butt? Read the above again; I don't do the lifestyle thing or the profile thing or the boy racer thing. I just ride. Go find a Harley doood or something.

Unwilling to use capital letters? Don't know why shift keys exist? Glad you're such a daring rebel. Next.

Knee Jerk California liberal? Activist of Unending Causes? That's nice; have fun at the party...er...protest. Better yet, sit down in front of your television and do what it tells you to do. Don't contact me tho'...we will find each other extremely annoying.
Right to Lifer? Conservative Christian? Fundamentalist or extremist anything (including animal rights)? What are you doing on CL? Slumming? ( And skip the hate-o'-grams. I don't do hate.)

Want to make some babies? That's beautiful...I hope you find an excellent sire. I like children provided they are already hatched. I have a very serious appreciation for the issues of dating someone with children. I don't take it lightly and your parenting skills will matter a great deal to me.

Looking for a handsome Black/Asian/Hispanic/Other man? Glad you know what you like. I'm sort of ivory tan on top and a nice fishbelly shade on the bottom...AKA White. (Polish/Czech). Don't care what color you are so long as you have an extremely functional brain. (well O.K., there were some bonus items mentioned above but I'm not going to push my luck)

Want a guy that can make you laugh? If you aren't laughing already I probably can't help.

Seeking a travel partner? A fellow voyager to parts exotic?. I'm a dull homebody that rarely gets farther than the nearest waterfall on the local topos. I like waterfalls. Smallish ones.

Difficulties with reading comprehension? Poor critical thinking skills? Weak analytical abilities? Not particularly self aware? We won't get along well but you'll write anyway I suppose. Real tough nut this one...

Recovering alcoholic or ACA? Please don't write. It won't work. It's me, not you (really). Trust me. Thanks.

So enough negativity for one posting. Anybody left? See the items that you think I really don't care much about? I care about them.


I am well aware of the heart it takes to reply to any posting, much less one like this. Please understand I am making what effort I can to ensure no one mis-spends that heart on my behalf. As a side note on time and heart; I am not looking for a correspondent. I have a few already. If we can determine that neither of us is an ogre and exchange phone numbers in two or three emails, fine. If not...well...good to know when to let something go.

Best of fortunes to all in their searches.

I wonder

If there really is something that keeps me from doing it. Eating healthy I mean.

I effin love chocolate. I really really do. I crave it. And I will kill a bitch for a snickers bar man!

So today began my back to the YMCA again. I say it all of the time. But I told Beanie and Sheryl that we need to resume "Operation Sexy Bitch" and so I took it upon myself to get out of the house this evening and shake my ass at Jazzercise and then I did 15 minutes on the ARC trainer. If you don't know what the ARC trainer is you should seriously find one. That sonuvabitch kills you, it burns and you want to collapse and die. But they say it works...and I believe them because anything that feels that bad has to be good for you right??

I ate like a pig all day yesterday and then again today. Fuck Halloween! You all are nuts to love it so much. I have so much candy lying around here that I could just puke. And I can't stop eating it. The kids aren't eating it. Tony and I are. Halloween is so for the adults. Whoever thought of making the kids feel all special to get a fancy costume was a genious. Because all we are really doing is sending them out once a year to get us junk food that we are to fat and embarassed to buy on our own at the store. Seriously...I want a bucket of chocolate at least once a day but I am not going to go out and buy it. Fat ass....

So is there a balance? Is there a way to eat the food that you crave and love and turn your body into a healthy sexy bitch?? I mean I don't want to be skinny...fuck that. I want to have curves, I like curvery women. I think they are beautiful. My husband met me curvey. But now I am a fat ass...all flubbery and gross. Not cookie dough lady gross or anything...but still.

So...if I workout everyday can I still have a couple of chocolate chip cookies?

Fucking Sheryl...that Its It is in the Freezer and I can't stop the insanity!

Friendship

Friendship is amazing. It is more than I ever thought that it could be.

I have begun to realise what it is all about to be a friend.

A friend is not a person that you call only because you need or expect something. You can not expect that everytime you need an errand ran that you can just pick up the phone and call. But at the same time a real friend will turn around and do it for you. If you were a true friend you would not take that for granted.

A friend is a person who you can giggle with. Serious or not serious you will giggle.

A friend is someone who will tell you that you look good...even if you do have a ginormous zit on your forehead and the only clean clothes that you had were from 1994. They will tell you that you look great even if you couldn't fit into last weeks jeans. They would never grab your bracelet and ask why you would wear such a thing. They would not look at your brand new glasses and ask what you had on your face. She would not guffaw at you wearing makeup.

A friend is someone who you want to hang out in your jammies with and eat cheesecake.

A friend would never talk behind your back unless she was worried about you.

Thank you ladies....

Hmmmm

So, this is going to seem petty I am sure.
Please remember that I have some issues. I tend to worry too much. I stress out very easily.

My best friend from high school. Her name is Tiffany. And I love her lots. We keep in touch by email and we try our best to get together. But it seems that life with kids always gets in the way. They are really big into soccer and that keeps them busy.

I have three of my own. Tony has his mobile business and that keeps him working most of the time. I have my TSG. Then the kids have tumbling, swimming, soccer...on and on and on.

This is petty. I know it is.

But she took me off of her top friends list. And I was replaced with people that I know she doesn't even talk to.

Have I done something wrong? Have I been a bad friend?

I feel bad today. I was fine all morning and then I got sick. I have thrown up twice.
Tony didn't leave me a booster seat for David and I can't just pick one up because Tony is at school in Pleasonton. I wanted to go to the YMCA. But I guess I shouldn't anyways since I have am throwing up.

I made a calendar on the computer for myself to try to remember things. But what is supposed to remind me to check it?

I was supposed to get together with Melissa yesterday but neither of us called eachother. I miss her dry humor and all of her drama stories about work.

This place for a fair emailed me to call them ASAP but their number is busy. I get my hopes up each time I dial and feel worse when it rings busy.

I need to stop this today. Why do I do this to myself?? When I read this list I don't think that it is normal to be upset about suck silly things.

David just came over to give me a kiss...I love him

sheryl and Lo Beanie

guess what!

Today they released a date for TEXAS!!!! They are getting closer! I can not freaking wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone

Someone hurt my friend today. But she is very stong.

I was shocked and hurt by what was being said about one of the people that is so important in my life right now. But we are strong the three of us. And we let her cry and we hugged her. We ate fancy chocolates until the giggles came back.

We got a little ghetto, which is what friends do. We told her how wonderful that she is. How we admire her parenting. The way her children will tell her anything. The way that her husband watches her from across the room.

I can not stress enough how amazing this woman is. These women. We are lucky to be in eachothers lives because we get eachother. And every Mom deserves a break.

With that being said. She deserves to spend time with her friends. To go out with the girls and have a margarita. She is with the children all day long. She deserves to have friends, don't we all?

To find a soulmate, as she has with her husband is amazing. But to find three more...inspiring. One of us is miles and miles away, and you are just as important so far away. Keeping the sanity, the laughter and the friendship alive.

We all know where to turn when we need a giggle, a hug or an ear.

You are amazing. I love you